Hi again, me after a some what longer time. I don’t know what i’m doing here again but who cares. If you still read it then you do. Wellp? Let’s go or something. And again its about people. We may start with yesterday, that is the 18th of august. That was my first schoolday in that new schoolyear. Yeah sure, was new and seing everyone again and bla, but I was just scared, nurvice and felled a negativity I can’t really describe to anyone myself. But the point is, the breaks have been lonely. Language learning is going to be an even bigger thing this schoolyear but I can’t. Sometimes it works. Sometimes, I get random blackouts and get stuck. Most of that is probably do to the emotional bullshit going on inside my head. I created that blog in the holidays, but even then my thoughts were some what chill compared to now. Starting holidays, I didn’t want them. I wanted them to end, that very very quickly. But slowly I got used to them. There was a while I didn’t care, but coming closer to the end? Yup. Right. Didn’t want them to end. Why? I can tell you. Actually there are many reasons but short I’d say basically no thoughts about girls, other school related stuff, being yourself again, having fun and all of that. I don’t say I don’t have fun outside holidays but yeah, yet its not the same. It was a distraction fun that can’t be offered outside them. Because? School exists. And it turned out to be true. Ok, schooldays were ok but except 1 guy, I’m somewhat always with and who is my friend, I spend my time with noone in the breaks. I was alone. Yesterday the girl I have feelings to wasn’t there, thank god. Would’ve been maybe even worse and 2 much for me in the end. Today though she was. Everytime she’d going to pass my table, I’d instantly crinch out. Not sure if its called or spelled that but heck, you get the point lmao. :d Anyways, at the evening in the church have been talking a bit more and she was somewhat starting the convs. But I do know that a classmade feels similar stuff and he invited me surprisingly to a walk. On that walk, I’ve used the oppertunity being honest and I asked him clearly if there was something. telling me he liking her, i still got a no. Who knows me may know why I’ve done this. For those who don’t? I once had an internet relation. My first, and my last one, that is what I’ve been promicing myself. But it did only last for a week and this girl was cheep, cheeting on someone else for me, then cheeting back on me for that other someone. And in the end I got mad at that someone more than I actually got mad at her. Since then I never wanted something like this to happen again. Maybe would’ve been easyer to talk peacefully about it. But turns out apparently he would only be allowed to get a girlfriend after or in 10th grade. Meh, not sure what to think about that and I don’t care, we just continue to the next part. A friend of mine: She recently moved out to another part of country. Just slightly more than an hour away but yet it is. She’s done in 10th grade and now going to a somewhat continuation school ish thing. There might be not really a word for that but its the norwegian schoolsystem, and i’m not from the US so meh. You get me anyways. She planned to spend time with me in the holidays, but to make it short, she was busy always in the end. Today seing her after 2 months she was the first one wanting to hug to greet, as friend. But she was the first, well, student? Gladly excepted it being honest. Was a short one but meh, heh didn’t matter. I need boddy contact so just shut up! Later though tonight she was busy again anyway and asking her if she’d have time for me, me and the person guiding me got the answer later. So we did some small talk shit and tried again later. Still, busy or crap. Now we’re getting to the real point. To the question i’ll give you all on your way. Is she only busy because of me? Why is that load of feelings still backfiring on me, after this time, I really tried leaving it? Did I earn these blackouts in this year? Did I, idk, earned anything of that in the past posts? This feels lonely as hell. And i’m sure someone out there reads this at some point. Let me tell you, you’re damn not alone. But why. Is it our blindness. If not, then what is it for a damn thing. Or am i just such of a bad person… People i don’t know. Anyway, i’m off, have been writing for way to long but meh don’t care, just a bit after 12. So, gn/tc/bye/see you, for now.
Thanks for reading.