And there we go again, one day later. O no! *screams and runs away*
I really missed doing this and I love to do this more but, sording thoughts so they make sense to write down is a thing that, especially now, has been truely dificoult. This has many reasons. I left this blog for a while, things happened, to many of them to just write them down and not many will care so why bother, but many enough to make this hard.
Another day passed, and birthday is close once again. At the 12th I get a friend to visit staying until the 20th, who I haven’t met for 2 years almost. It’s kinda amazing but at the same time I don’t know what to do. And then there’s of course this desire of showing him some of my rl friends, but if no miracle will be done it will not happen. Either people are away, are bad in answering or maybe, don’t care at all. Next point I’ll come to in just a second.
One positive thing is, and finally I can look forward to this birthday, I’ll get a piano. For the nerds out there, it’s a yamaha one, a p125. Very good for it’s pricing. So this will be really good for making/playing some proper music. I used to only have this 1 roland keyboard with trashy piano sound sorda, but those times will now, be over! But…
Here we come to this relation part. People here, I noticed, are really good in forgetting to answer messages, or opening them and then just not doing anything with it, in short, they’re good in forgetting in general. But sometimes I can feel that people feel so bad for having that ishue, they care, however. This is a thing that concerns me for a while. Some people say that they’re sorry, and a lot has been going on and bla, and I get soft and always forgive. But a while afterwards I think about how serious it has been. Often some people just pass me even when I don’t notice it and ignore me, no hi or anything. And this also makes sense with the running after thing. Surely I’ve mensioned it, one day. Running after people all the time. This is what I feel like doing. Not everyone but the very most of them. Especially when it comes to showing interest etc. And I don’t know why. Is it because I’m german, I’m blind, am not interesting enough, am stupid, something else? I’d rather hear honest opinions and live with it but not this, if that is the case. The worst thing is some moments everyone finds cool how I do thing A or B, or thing c or d is funny etc. I neither consider myself cool nor funny, but that has to do with my low selfconfidence and likely isn’t fully true. I wish to build it up. But things like that just lower it. It’s not even about feeling good enough. It’s about, feeling… excepted. Cared for, needed. All of those kinds.
That considered, it’s probably no wonder that I’m hanging in the nice, lovely past. Even with hurting phases, 2022 was the best year in my life. And for sure the most eventful one as well.
And here we come to the new thing. Past is past, but future is future and approaching. Speaking of which, all this bad weather here all the time makes me feel like I got teleported right into october. It’s not really fun, but o well.
The same thing, just like last year. Before the holidays I didn’t want them to start, and I don’t want them to end now. But now, there are many more factors involved. Next year, is 10th grade, so that’s gonna be a horror. Including the surely tripple of norwegian pushing and wining more than before. And I’m not ready. I never have been ready for those things. I somehow got through them though. But it’ll be a pain. I can feel that already now. And this made me think that holidays are much better than that, so go enjoy it. But enjoy what. Is life sitting in front of the pc all day, playing mist world and listening to spotify, while not even elten or online friends are present/responding? No, it’s totaly not. And this year this lonelyness factor plays a much bigger role. It makes me crazy to realise that now are holidays, I have more than half remaining and I could do sooooo much now! But what? Then again, everyone is basically busy with stuff. And I’m alone. And this makes me more vollnerable to things too. Including moodswings and me being annoied at things with no reason. I wish this wouldn’t be, but those things tend to happen in holidays. I noticed that and I’m not sure how to change it. Not that talking to no matter who helps. Most people understand or act like doing so but that’s about it. No advice from anyone. But when my friends need me in something, I’m the little ideot who would jump up emediately and try my best to contribute to help, even though I may not be the best person to ask, that depends on the situation though. And I’m happy to do it. But it feels even worse for me if I’m able to help others, try to put myself much further back and when |I notice that this has drawn me even further down then it’s to late. Maybe it doesn’t even make sense what I’m writing, but who’d care.
Last but not least, there are still the panic attacks. Still this wound of fear from this epilepsy attack 3 months ago. Still longterm crushes happen, though nothing works out. Nice girls are everywhere here, so this is not what I’m going about. But I can’t even control it. On one side, tbh, it’s better than shortterm crushes and you Analyse the person more. But on the other one those crush’s especially in these situation can quickly develop into an obsession, which then of course isn’t good anymore, in fact, it’s bad and could destroy things if you don’t put yourself in an emotional cage.
If anyone, anyone, ever in the times of this world has gotten that far, thank you for reading. I guess.
Until next time, and take care.